I have always imagined a great future for myself. I have imagined one full of adventure, wonder, and amazement. I know that as I pass with the flow of events I am due to learn from every awaiting trial. I notice that often at times I say of react negatively, when all I want to do is burst with positive energy like I know I am full of. As I have moved down my path I can only reflect on what I have done.
I was in the middle of making a cup of tea, and I heard an ice cream truck rolling down the road playing its' pleasant tunes. Suddenly I get this idea that I will get myself and another an ice cream. This other person asks for a specific ice cream, which I later found out they did not have. I return home with the wrong ice cream thinking it was the correct one. And spurred up a yelling argument. This left me feeling like laughing, as if anything I did was not correct. But reflecting upon it now drinking and finishing my cup of tea hours after the event I feel as if everything went correctly. I learned that I need to meditate and learn to accept things as they come. I feel as if I could do more if only I could master more external things, but the external will not make me better inside.
I imagine how small all these events will be tomorrow, but how dramatic the effects where today help me understand that I need drastic change to meet the goals I want to reach.
I want to be more peaceful, more thoughtful, and more insightful. I know I can do this and will.
Have I a brain that drips like water of a tree full of life.
At the most I have been filled with a spirit of intellectual craving. I have been needed some type of stimulation that I have been getting from television as of lately.
Today I was blessed with the ability to watch the movie The Theory of Everything, which is a great film about the life story of Stephen Hawking. I have to say that this movie was absolutely great. It really brought up a lot of my similar ideas. The seemingly hopeless wife stuck between her faith and her husband. The fact that God's mind would be a higher level of thinking. The love that we feel from our higher bodies was really resonate in this film. I found it oh-to-coincidental that the actor portraying our beloved Dr. Hawking is also the actor that plays a noble inter-dimensional "God" in the film Jupiter Ascending, but please do not get me going before I sit here all night ranting on and on about the half dozen conspiracy theories I could form up just about that. None the less I still do not know that actors name. Well I went ahead and searched up his name; Eddie Redmayn.
I have been battling my own mind attempting to train myself to love and appreciate my need to go back to highschool and finish for my diploma. In the world I choose to live within it is a requirement to push forward and strive to be the most educated being that I can be. And it makes me feel almost squashed to be required to go to school. I notice this about myself and would like to see a change in energy.
Perhaps I should refer to it as a shift. I would like to shift my negative energy into a more positive outlet, that way I can see that beautiful electric flow. And surely I have seen my share of godly tests in my endeavours. Just today I had three tests of my ability to maintain sobriety. Firstly, I met a group of two fellow energy beings testing their freedom by enjoying a fine drink of a favorite mind altering substance of mine marijuana. Secondly, on the way towards catching the bus I find half a rolled marijuana joint. Thirdly, I encounter old friends enjoying Tennessee Honey, which I almost thought was something safe to drink. I feel no negativity towards these events because I was capable to stick with my natural course. But all the while I still managed to trudge down the road of nicotine addiction.
In a simpler time I would not have worried about addiction. Heck, in a time like this I could easily do all the doing that I would like and still manage to live off the small wages provided for me. But I seek out more comfort than the need to be dependant on what I have been unable to obtain on my own. I am building my ability to alter my conscious perception of the world around me, and all these things seem to do is hold me back from the potential I know I am capable of being.
I heard something today that sat very well with me; I think to much about thinking.
I have been hearing for some time that I think to much, and yes I do think to much about thinking. However, I only feel the drags of doing that when I sit and question everything that happens around me. So I have been leaving my questioning towards the writings. My writings seem to be a great vent in my life. I am able to piece together my innermost thoughts in a legible and non-chaotic form.
This Zen music is beautiful isn't it? It is beautiful to my ears.
I do not so much anymore feel so much a questioning as to why things occur the way they do, but I do feel a sense of knowing why things happened. And that has been the most comforting and yet sometimes unsettling thing I have ever been able to embrace. For every answer as to why, there seems to be a conflict as to what I need to change internally. I stub my toe. "thank you god." "it was not gods fault" "well I have toes to stub and nerves to feel" And by this point there is no longer even a sensation of pain.
I am attempting to bring myself to a point where I accept everything just as it is, and I would like to help quiet my mind more so than it has been quieted already. Although I am beginning to feel more at peace, I have this overwhelming desire for more. As if more quietness will alleviate some-thing external.
I notice there that I am really attempting to be more self-aware of what is going on within my own mind. It is not that I needed to alleviate my mind, but rather show my mind that I am separate from it. And that I can honestly choose the reactions that I have to the mind itself. It is so much like I have heard and read; the path to peace is through what peace is not. For that is how we go from a place without peace, back to the peace we seek. And it is not so much that I seek peace, as that peace is really all there is for me to want.
I feel sometimes that the world around me is so chaotic that I want to withdraw and cocoon myself away from it, but when I really open my mind and heart to the world around me all I find is love. But love can be so scary to me because my mind wants to be so cold to it...but as I get deeper into my state I find that they meld together into a singularity, which I have learned to call serenity.
And I am stuck absorbing the life around me. Like a vampire in the night I seek the next blood dripping victim to fall into my grasps. With all of me all I have ever wanted was to show the world love, too long the wiser to realize that it was really the world trying to show me what love truly is. I have been seeking, but when I find the answers I want to turn away as if they never existed. It is a humbling realization that it may be the world around me truly has the answers that they seek, and exhausting as it seems. I am left humbled by the utter chaos left behind in my own tracks.
Sometimes I sit around trying to find out what I am to do with my self. I am so stuck sitting all day worrying about my job; can I make it, will I stay, how will I keep it up. I forget about the true puzzle...my happiness.
There was once a time in my life I would stare at ants and contemplate my ability to simply remove one of them from existence. Suddenly, the ant jumped into its exit stance, ready to face the tough of my all mighty and powerful finger surely ready to lift my mass up and still make it back home with its plenty of sugar. But that time has so much long ago passed me. Anymore I look at the ant and realize how much more harmonic its life is than my own. To no fault of any but my own of course. I have realized long ago that I could be excelling where I fall short. I could schedule myself better. I can go to bed before midnight, I can wake up early in the morning, I will go to school and complete my high school education.
I see in front of me doors opening, and smiling faces embracing me.
I see the hand extending to me from fate, introducing me to the beauty that is determination and education.
Yet I feel the slithering doubt constantly stabbing into my back. If only I had this pill or that drug. Maybe then I would feel more complete. What I seem to overlook so often is that I do feel normal. As far as anyone has ever been able to describe to me, I am normal.
I think the only thing that sets me apart from the masses is...well I am the mass.
I am just like the ant.
Just the jig in the saw.
I keep striving to be more than I am...always to find myself back in my place.
I say this in no way to the appreciation of conspiracy or paranoia...but in a beautifully artistic sense. I love being me, and I love trying to be you. But in the end I feel the only thing that separates us is that mere momentary separation. Like how I love to place an E rather than an A in separation. Maybe that is the largest difference there is; maybe the only thing keeping me from being you is how I always misspell that word. I feel like I can hear you all reading my words as I write them down. That boring draw towards nothingness that I keep getting here and there. The impulse I have
to split the paragraphs in half.
Just to give you something to stare at.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to feel you.
Just to gratify that interior need to be heard.
I keep having this thought in the back of my head that ten or even fifty years from now I will be looking back on these writing and thinking negatively about them. Because I always do that. I always look back at myself and see this crazy lunatic just ranting and raving about the seemingly pointless. But then again I get to see and share who I am.
Maybe one day that wont set me back. Maybe one day because I could talk to you for just one moment, I'll be able to show my face in public and not feel empty inside.
The truth is just writing this makes me feel bigger. Bigger than just one ant. It makes me feel like ants, ants all working together to be one giant colony.
I remember that my body is trillions of individual cells all working together to be this thing that I tend to call me. But really they are all ants. Ant by ant they each do a job, not because they want to, but because they need to for the good of the colony. I know so many people that would say that I am brainwashed just for thinking that. But I am. I realize my internal truth. Or maybe I do not. Maybe each cell really is choosing to just be a part of me. Coming and going all the time.
On a quantum level we are all just energy floating about doing a matter of nothing constantly. But thanks to our consciousness we have this oh-so-important ability to manifest into this world. To relate with one another. To share with one another our lives. But we seem so stuck in our individual lives to ever truly grow.
Maybe what we need is to learn how to be more selfless. We learn meditation to grow our inner selves, and one day we will be able to grow our outer selves. We will be able to, just like in the Last Mimzy, be able to grow together in a peaceful environment.
I feel like I am falling into temptation of self by wanting a cigarette, but overall I do not hate myself for it. I would prefer to live a smoke free life style. Because one less smoker means less smoke blocking me from the stars. But I keep finding the excuse of stress. This stress, and that stress. Here is stress and more is stress. But in the reality of my mind there is no such thing as stress. Tomorrow I will wake up free from smoke. It is 10:59...time to have a cigarette, shower, and go to bed.
