And I am stuck absorbing the life around me. Like a vampire in the night I seek the next blood dripping victim to fall into my grasps. With all of me all I have ever wanted was to show the world love, too long the wiser to realize that it was really the world trying to show me what love truly is. I have been seeking, but when I find the answers I want to turn away as if they never existed. It is a humbling realization that it may be the world around me truly has the answers that they seek, and exhausting as it seems. I am left humbled by the utter chaos left behind in my own tracks.
Sometimes I sit around trying to find out what I am to do with my self. I am so stuck sitting all day worrying about my job; can I make it, will I stay, how will I keep it up. I forget about the true puzzle...my happiness.
There was once a time in my life I would stare at ants and contemplate my ability to simply remove one of them from existence. Suddenly, the ant jumped into its exit stance, ready to face the tough of my all mighty and powerful finger surely ready to lift my mass up and still make it back home with its plenty of sugar. But that time has so much long ago passed me. Anymore I look at the ant and realize how much more harmonic its life is than my own. To no fault of any but my own of course. I have realized long ago that I could be excelling where I fall short. I could schedule myself better. I can go to bed before midnight, I can wake up early in the morning, I will go to school and complete my high school education.
I see in front of me doors opening, and smiling faces embracing me.
I see the hand extending to me from fate, introducing me to the beauty that is determination and education.
Yet I feel the slithering doubt constantly stabbing into my back. If only I had this pill or that drug. Maybe then I would feel more complete. What I seem to overlook so often is that I do feel normal. As far as anyone has ever been able to describe to me, I am normal.
I think the only thing that sets me apart from the masses is...well I am the mass.
I am just like the ant.
Just the jig in the saw.
I keep striving to be more than I am...always to find myself back in my place.
I say this in no way to the appreciation of conspiracy or paranoia...but in a beautifully artistic sense. I love being me, and I love trying to be you. But in the end I feel the only thing that separates us is that mere momentary separation. Like how I love to place an E rather than an A in separation. Maybe that is the largest difference there is; maybe the only thing keeping me from being you is how I always misspell that word. I feel like I can hear you all reading my words as I write them down. That boring draw towards nothingness that I keep getting here and there. The impulse I have
to split the paragraphs in half.
Just to give you something to stare at.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to feel you.
Just to gratify that interior need to be heard.
I keep having this thought in the back of my head that ten or even fifty years from now I will be looking back on these writing and thinking negatively about them. Because I always do that. I always look back at myself and see this crazy lunatic just ranting and raving about the seemingly pointless. But then again I get to see and share who I am.
Maybe one day that wont set me back. Maybe one day because I could talk to you for just one moment, I'll be able to show my face in public and not feel empty inside.
The truth is just writing this makes me feel bigger. Bigger than just one ant. It makes me feel like ants, ants all working together to be one giant colony.
I remember that my body is trillions of individual cells all working together to be this thing that I tend to call me. But really they are all ants. Ant by ant they each do a job, not because they want to, but because they need to for the good of the colony. I know so many people that would say that I am brainwashed just for thinking that. But I am. I realize my internal truth. Or maybe I do not. Maybe each cell really is choosing to just be a part of me. Coming and going all the time.
On a quantum level we are all just energy floating about doing a matter of nothing constantly. But thanks to our consciousness we have this oh-so-important ability to manifest into this world. To relate with one another. To share with one another our lives. But we seem so stuck in our individual lives to ever truly grow.
Maybe what we need is to learn how to be more selfless. We learn meditation to grow our inner selves, and one day we will be able to grow our outer selves. We will be able to, just like in the Last Mimzy, be able to grow together in a peaceful environment.
I feel like I am falling into temptation of self by wanting a cigarette, but overall I do not hate myself for it. I would prefer to live a smoke free life style. Because one less smoker means less smoke blocking me from the stars. But I keep finding the excuse of stress. This stress, and that stress. Here is stress and more is stress. But in the reality of my mind there is no such thing as stress. Tomorrow I will wake up free from smoke. It is 10:59...time to have a cigarette, shower, and go to bed.
Sometimes I sit around trying to find out what I am to do with my self. I am so stuck sitting all day worrying about my job; can I make it, will I stay, how will I keep it up. I forget about the true puzzle...my happiness.
There was once a time in my life I would stare at ants and contemplate my ability to simply remove one of them from existence. Suddenly, the ant jumped into its exit stance, ready to face the tough of my all mighty and powerful finger surely ready to lift my mass up and still make it back home with its plenty of sugar. But that time has so much long ago passed me. Anymore I look at the ant and realize how much more harmonic its life is than my own. To no fault of any but my own of course. I have realized long ago that I could be excelling where I fall short. I could schedule myself better. I can go to bed before midnight, I can wake up early in the morning, I will go to school and complete my high school education.
I see in front of me doors opening, and smiling faces embracing me.
I see the hand extending to me from fate, introducing me to the beauty that is determination and education.
Yet I feel the slithering doubt constantly stabbing into my back. If only I had this pill or that drug. Maybe then I would feel more complete. What I seem to overlook so often is that I do feel normal. As far as anyone has ever been able to describe to me, I am normal.
I think the only thing that sets me apart from the masses is...well I am the mass.
I am just like the ant.
Just the jig in the saw.
I keep striving to be more than I am...always to find myself back in my place.
I say this in no way to the appreciation of conspiracy or paranoia...but in a beautifully artistic sense. I love being me, and I love trying to be you. But in the end I feel the only thing that separates us is that mere momentary separation. Like how I love to place an E rather than an A in separation. Maybe that is the largest difference there is; maybe the only thing keeping me from being you is how I always misspell that word. I feel like I can hear you all reading my words as I write them down. That boring draw towards nothingness that I keep getting here and there. The impulse I have
to split the paragraphs in half.
Just to give you something to stare at.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to feel you.
Just to gratify that interior need to be heard.
I keep having this thought in the back of my head that ten or even fifty years from now I will be looking back on these writing and thinking negatively about them. Because I always do that. I always look back at myself and see this crazy lunatic just ranting and raving about the seemingly pointless. But then again I get to see and share who I am.
Maybe one day that wont set me back. Maybe one day because I could talk to you for just one moment, I'll be able to show my face in public and not feel empty inside.
The truth is just writing this makes me feel bigger. Bigger than just one ant. It makes me feel like ants, ants all working together to be one giant colony.
I remember that my body is trillions of individual cells all working together to be this thing that I tend to call me. But really they are all ants. Ant by ant they each do a job, not because they want to, but because they need to for the good of the colony. I know so many people that would say that I am brainwashed just for thinking that. But I am. I realize my internal truth. Or maybe I do not. Maybe each cell really is choosing to just be a part of me. Coming and going all the time.
On a quantum level we are all just energy floating about doing a matter of nothing constantly. But thanks to our consciousness we have this oh-so-important ability to manifest into this world. To relate with one another. To share with one another our lives. But we seem so stuck in our individual lives to ever truly grow.
Maybe what we need is to learn how to be more selfless. We learn meditation to grow our inner selves, and one day we will be able to grow our outer selves. We will be able to, just like in the Last Mimzy, be able to grow together in a peaceful environment.
I feel like I am falling into temptation of self by wanting a cigarette, but overall I do not hate myself for it. I would prefer to live a smoke free life style. Because one less smoker means less smoke blocking me from the stars. But I keep finding the excuse of stress. This stress, and that stress. Here is stress and more is stress. But in the reality of my mind there is no such thing as stress. Tomorrow I will wake up free from smoke. It is 10:59...time to have a cigarette, shower, and go to bed.
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